I recently asked a couple what forgiveness meant to them. The wife said letting go of something so you could move forward. The husband said – do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Looking at both of these definitions one sees something is lacking. Both definitions tend to be a gift to oneself instead of a gift to the other.
A gift to self is often how forgiveness is seen. It is believed if we just make the decision to move past the event and press it into the dark recesses of our mind then we have experienced forgiveness. Thus, we are allowing ourselves to move forward. The problem with this type for forgiveness is that it is not forgotten for long.
Have you ever been in a fight with your spouse and sooner or later one of you brings up something from the past? Maybe it was something that just occurred a day ago, or maybe it was something that happened in the ancient history of your relationship. Either way – you thought you had moved past it but you keep bringing it up when you want to hurt each other. It is the ammunition you use when you want to remind the other of past hurts and disappointments.
True forgiveness however is different. True forgiveness is rooted in the idea of reconciliation. We see this theme over and over again in the New Testament. The text says forgiveness is not about holding onto the wrongs done against us. It is about wiping the slate clean and starting again. This is true forgiveness.
One of the first things I tell my clients is that today is day one. They need to put all of the past hurts and disappointments in the marriage behind them. Rehashing it only prolongs the pain. Instead we should seek to forgive as Christ. It is hard, no it is almost impossible. Almost but not totally for we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us (Phil 4:13).
For my Christian clients I also remind them of the Lord’s Prayer. We stop at the part where one seeks to have God forgive them as they have forgiven others. If they can’t forgive their spouse then how can they ask God to forgive them. This is often a sobering thought for many and a deciding point in a change in how they forgive.
Forgive me my sins as I forgive those who have sinned against me. This request is found in Luke 11:4. When you pray this you are asking God to forgive you in the same manner as you have forgiven another. In other words, if you continue to bring past hurts up with your spouse –never forgetting them – but saving them for your next big blow up, then that is how you want God to think of your past transgressions against Him.
The meaning of the Greek word aphiemi (forgive) in the Lord’s Prayer is pardon. When one thinks of pardon, they often think absolution. The definition of absolution is to release a person from guilt, punishment or obligation. So, if we are to forgive as Jesus taught His disciples to pray, we are to release that person (and ourselves) from their actions. This is how God forgives and it is how He wants us to forgive also.
So the next time you are tempted to bring up ancient history with your significant other—ask yourself– is this how you want God to treat you?
Tag: Reflections
Where Are You God?
Searching for God?
Have you ever typed the question “where are you God” into an internet search engine? Apparently, many have and have felt so moved by that question as to address it somehow online. As a result, when you search the phrase you will receive over 13 million hits. That’s amazing and yet so sad. 
Have you ever been tempted to type those words?
Have you ever been in such despair you have cried out in the very depths of your soul “where are you God?”
I have and I am sure many of you who are reading this post have too. When I search the scriptures for answers, I am reminded of David who also cried out those words. He often felt abandoned by his Lord and wondered why God had turned His back on him.
Like David, I too have stumbled and cried out for God to rescue me — only to be met with His silence.
But about two weeks ago a client shared something with me which has changed the way I look at trials. She said “teachers are quiet during tests.” Take a moment and let that sink in —- teachers are quiet during tests. That is one of the most powerful statements I have come across in a very long time.
I want you to remember being in school. Picture yourself in a room with other students working hard on an exam. Where was your teacher? Down the hall, out for a smoke, running an errand —- Nope. Your teacher was right there in the room with you, silently watching – waiting for you to complete the test.
God is our teacher and through every test He too is right there — silently waiting and watching.
So, knowing God is present, how will you respond? Will you cheat; will you simply guess at the answers; will you sit and doodle until the test is over? Or will you do your best leaning on lessons you have gleaned from previous trials? Will you hand in your exam having faithfully endured – ready and willing for the next one – trusting the Father to be there – silently waiting and watching?
Intentionality and Gratitude: A Plan for the New Year
I saw a quote this week by Dr. Wayne Dyer. It read “if you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change”. This could not be a clearer picture of what is at the core of life coaching.
It seems the world has trained our brains to always look at things with a negative mindset. It is that old half glass empty paradigm. You know — is the glass half full or half empty? Too many of us look at that glass and see it as half empty. This is where intentionality comes in.
The key to any change of mindset is intentionality. We have to train our brains to see the positives. In other words, we should always be looking for blessings — those things in life for which we are grateful. This can be done by a very simple exercise.
Take a piece of paper and fold it in half and then in half again. When you unfold the paper, you will see it is now divided into quadrants. Number each quadrant 1 – 4 from left to right, top to bottom. In section one, I want you to write one thing you are grateful for. It can be as simple as having a car to get to work, or food in the fridge to eat. But I only want you to write one thing! In section two, I want you to write one person for whom you are grateful.
Now the next two sections are going to require you to stretch a bit. In section three I want you to think about something you see as a negative in your life. Let’s use the example that you hate your job. I want you to look at this and try to find a positive. An obvious positive is that you have a job. So, write that in section three.
The last section asks you to look at others and their circumstances. Think of someone you know and identify something they are suffering through which you are not. I want you to reach out to them. You don’t have to solve their problem. I just want you to express to them in some way that you care. Write in this section the person’s name and what you did. This last part is an exercise in empathy and gratitude. Helping others changes the way you see your own life.
Everyday add to this piece of paper. Use front and back if needed. At the end of the week review what you have written. Use a separate sheet of paper for each week. Don’t throw them away! Instead look back at the end of each month to see how your outlook on life has changed.
One last thing: why use paper? There is an intentionality in the act of getting a piece of paper, folding it into fourths and writing on it that you do not have on your phone or computer. Remember intentionality is key – without it change will never occur.
Keeping Life Real 