Forgiveness

I recently asked a couple what forgiveness meant to them. The wife said letting go of something so you could move forward. The husband said – do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Looking at both of these definitions one sees something is lacking. Both definitions tend to be a gift to oneself instead of a gift to the other.
A gift to self is often how forgiveness is seen. It is believed if we just make the decision to move past the event and press it into the dark recesses of our mind then we have experienced forgiveness. Thus, we are allowing ourselves to move forward. The problem with this type for forgiveness is that it is not forgotten for long.
Have you ever been in a fight with your spouse and sooner or later one of you brings up something from the past? Maybe it was something that just occurred a day ago, or maybe it was something that happened in the ancient history of your relationship. Either way – you thought you had moved past it but you keep bringing it up when you want to hurt each other. It is the ammunition you use when you want to remind the other of past hurts and disappointments.
True forgiveness however is different. True forgiveness is rooted in the idea of reconciliation. We see this theme over and over again in the New Testament. The text says forgiveness is not about holding onto the wrongs done against us. It is about wiping the slate clean and starting again. This is true forgiveness.
One of the first things I tell my clients is that today is day one. They need to put all of the past hurts and disappointments in the marriage behind them. Rehashing it only prolongs the pain. Instead we should seek to forgive as Christ. It is hard, no it is almost impossible. Almost but not totally for we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us (Phil 4:13).
For my Christian clients I also remind them of the Lord’s Prayer. We stop at the part where one seeks to have God forgive them as they have forgiven others. If they can’t forgive their spouse then how can they ask God to forgive them. This is often a sobering thought for many and a deciding point in a change in how they forgive.
Forgive me my sins as I forgive those who have sinned against me. This request is found in Luke 11:4. When you pray this you are asking God to forgive you in the same manner as you have forgiven another. In other words, if you continue to bring past hurts up with your spouse –never forgetting them – but saving them for your next big blow up, then that is how you want God to think of your past transgressions against Him.
The meaning of the Greek word aphiemi (forgive) in the Lord’s Prayer is pardon. When one thinks of pardon, they often think absolution. The definition of absolution is to release a person from guilt, punishment or obligation. So, if we are to forgive as Jesus taught His disciples to pray, we are to release that person (and ourselves) from their actions. This is how God forgives and it is how He wants us to forgive also.
So the next time you are tempted to bring up ancient history with your significant other—ask yourself– is this how you want God to treat you?